Lip Service The Blog: Friendtimacy!

Lip Service The Blog: Friendtimacy!

Do you notice that women and men treat their friends totally different when in a relationship? Women tend to alienate themselves and cling to their man while men still keep their loyalty to their friends. Do women think that being attached at the hip preserves their relationship more? I’ve noticed that the women who do this are either very insecure and need relationship validation to feel whole or are in a relationship with man who is controlling and insecure.

Let me give half of these women a break for a second. In the beginning they probably didn’t realize that their boyfriend was controlling. He might have grabbed her tightly and said, “No don’t go. Stay with me.” It might have seemed cute and romantic at first. Maybe she actually stayed home a couple of times for him because they were still in the mushy stage of their relationship. But THEN… A year passes. She’s missed her friend’s birthday celebrations, some working gigs, some events that her friends went to and now she’s ready to rekindle her friendships because her relationship has cooled down. She starts to notice that he actually is getting mad and having an attitude when she says she’s going out. For some women, the idea of him being angry will stop her from going. Other women will question why he is angry and start to realize that she’s created a monster. A woman will say, “Why are you angry? I never go out.” Actually that’s the problem. He got so used to being able to make her stay in the house that when she finally decides to go it causes chaos. Investing overtime in a relationship can be counterproductive in a scenario like this because she went from never going out to wanting to go. For an insecure and controlling man this raises his eyebrow that she may be susceptible to meeting someone new while outside. He totally disregards the fact that she just wants to spend time with the friends she had before him. God forbid somehow she meets a new girl friend. He would never accept her being important enough for his woman to have to hang out with her.

On the other hand, some women alienate themselves. She no longer does things with their friends because either she doesn’t have the desire to or because she doesn’t think it’s appropriate. Since when are your friendships determined by your relationship status? Why is that relevant? A married and single woman must have nothing in common? That says to me that a woman would be basing herself off of a man. So you can’t just be two women who like to bowl or like to paint? It matters that one is in a committed relationship and the other is still trying to find Mr. Right on Tinder?

Guys are NOT the same. Guys have much longer friendships and much stronger bonds with the people they call their friends. Women often complain about how much time guys spend with each other. A guy will call his best friend before he calls AAA. Guys get their other guy friends to help them move. Guys have card night and meet each other at the bar to watch sports. Guys nurture and maintain their friendships while in a relationship. Some women may feel neglected or cheated but it seems more like a very necessary balance in my opinion. It’s  rare that a woman can make a guy stay home if his intention was to do something with friends. That’s admirable.

Some women will ask, “But what if he spends ALL his time with his friends and none with me?” That’s a MUCH bigger problem. The only comment I have on that is that we can barely force men to do anything they don’t want to do. If they’re not spending any time with you then he may really just not want to. That’s too hard for us to digest because then we would have to reevaluate the relationship. We could come to the conclusion that it’s time to break up. Oh no.

Friendships are a relationship just like a romantic and family one. It should be invested in and nurtured. Value your friendships. Create a balance in your life. Show your friend that you care. Why? You never know if the relationship will last forever and if you’ll be crawling back after a breakup for a shoulder to cry on.