Lip Service The Blog: Homegirl Guidelines

Lip Service The Blog: Homegirl Guidelines

1) She better be someone whom you knew before me. I better have heard her name within the first 90 days of knowing you. Otherwise, this “platonic” relationship is not acceptable. You and her would basically be getting to know each other the same way you and I are. That’s too risky.

2) Make it your business to FORMALLY introduce your long time girl friend. Not “Remember that girl we saw that day in the mall?” NO! I should know EXACTLY who you’re referring to by the time we are a few months in.

3) You need to make it very clear to her to respect your relationship. It’s NOT insecurity, it’s about respect. If she is really your friend and mature, she will understand and abide. Calling at 2am in the middle of the night is no longer acceptable. She better be on fire somewhere and not have a mother, father, sibling, or boyfriend of her own and even then she should have called 911 instead of you. She shouldn’t be calling you to bring her food, asking for inappropriate favors (especially money) or asking you to chauffeur her around anywhere!

4) I should know when you and her hang out together. I’m okay with you hanging out together, in moderation. You shouldn’t be hanging out with her more than you spend time with me. I shouldn’t find out that you and her went to the movies or for lunch two weeks ago. It didn’t slip your mind to tell me. I speak to you everyday. You were being sneaky about it.

5) Tell her to mind her business. :) Don’t give you any advice unless it’s in my favor!

6) She shouldn’t be inviting you as her DATE anywhere. Tell her to get a boyfriend or pay an escort.

7) There shall be no spending the night together at each other’s homes. No drunken night excuses. I don’t want to hear it.

8) She should definitely take the back seat once you have a girlfriend. I got all of your needs covered. I don’t need her help. I cook for you, clean your clothes,  suck your dick, and fuck you even when I’m sleepy. Tell her to chill.

9) No touching! Laying on you, getting the crumbs off your mouth, and touching your head or face will get her cursed out and you dumped. I would say slapped but then everyone will say I’m promoting domestic violence.

10) Any side eyes or shady actions toward me whatsoever will be addressed immediately. If you don’t check her, then I will. I’m okay with you having girl friends so I won’t be unreasonable. If you put her feelings above mine then maybe she should be your girlfriend and not me.