I don’t think a lot of men really know how women feel about their dicks. Men are so cocky about it meanwhile my friends and I are in group chats laughing our asses off about dicks. I firmly believe that only 1 out of every 10 men have a “pretty” dick, the rest are roast worthy. If men really knew the commentary women have on the different types of dicks, I wonder if they would be as confident in sending dick pictures to our DMs and texts. Below are some dicks I’ve come across. Can you relate?

PALM TREE DICK: LONG, SKINNY AND CURVED. Let me be the first to tell you that this dick doesn’t hit right. Have you ever had this dick banging into your ovaries and tubes before? This dick and the G-spot never meet. Fail. 






DANDELION DICK: LONG SKINNY SHAFT AND A BALL HEAD. It just makes you want to blow it out of your face. It looks so flimsy and limp, even when it’s hard. Have you even tried to suck this limp dick? You never know when it’s going to cum. It’s hard to hold in your hand. You just keep squeezing and it’s just on lean. FAIL.





EGGPLANT DICK: Thank God I’ve never had one of these but I have seen it. This type of dick looks like a nightmare. I envision pain, blood and a hospital visit. This rare dick has been spotted on a few very dark black men. 





TRANSIT DICK: This is what I refer to when I’m trying to describe the light skin black man with all the colorful veins on his dick. The bulging colored lines on his shaft remind me of the subway map. 




DUMBO DICK: THICK, LONG, UNCIRCUMCISED DICK. Poor baby for the uncircumcised man. Some women do not care but I cringe. Lucky for the dumbo kind, the thickness and the ribbed feeling will make everything all better. 




ROACH DICK: This dick is so small that to suck it you have to use your pointer and your thumb to hold it. I don’t smoke roaches. 



PIT BULL DICK: This is the dick of a white man. Pink and raw. 



BABA DICK: The baby bottle dick has a thick, long shaft and a little stupid looking head. The head is everything to me. What a waste of girth. 



BAT MAN: The baseball bat dick is tricky. It goes in feeling so thick and perfect and gets thinner as he inserts it. Then the vagina gets confused because it had to open up wide to get it in and then the inner lips are no longer hugging the shaft. *scratches head*

HAMMERHEAD DICK: I swear to God I saw a dick like this before but I can’t even describe it because I don’t know what the fuck was wrong with it. 😩

PENCIL DICK: Long, skinny shaft and pointy head. Ouch. This hard skinny dick is so unenjoyable. There’s actually a such thing as “too hard” because this type of dick is sharp and hurts. 



GAME DICK: Even though this is a banana we are going to call this the GAME dick because this is what I envision to be inside those boxers of his.



HOODIE DICK: How uncircumcised penis with the baggy skin looks. 



GUINEP DICK: How that raw penis head looks when it comes out the hoodie dick. 


I saved the best for last because this is MY favorite type of dick. 



TOAD DICK- There’s nothing but magic and fireworks in this thick, juicy looking mushroom head. Some people are going to say this looks short but I can deal with short (4-6inches) when there’s a chunky shaft and a soft cushiony tip dancing with the “spot!” This is the type of dick is instant gratification. The head and the shaft are proportioned and it’s so hearty. 😁

Which one do you like ?